Why "Keeping the Peace" Can Destroy Your Divorce

Are you so emotionally exhausted by your divorce that you’re willing to sign anything just to make the fighting stop? Wanting peace is completely understandable, but settling too fast out of temporary fatigue can lead to legal and financial regret that lasts for years.

In this episode of No One Dies From Divorce, I sit down with Coil Law attorney Chelsea Hoffman to unpack the hidden dangers of "peace at any price." We dive into the crucial difference between a healthy legal compromise and an uninformed surrender—and why rushing into a settlement without knowing your rights often means giving away more than you ever would in court. From managing high-conflict spouses who bully you into agreeing to bad terms, to the massive expense of trying to modify a bad decree later, Chelsea and I share practical strategies to help you protect your future even when you're in survival mode.

Key Takeaways from this Episode:

• Compromise vs. Surrender: How to know your legal rights so you never agree to terms that give you less than your worst day in court.
• The High-Conflict Dynamic: Why capitulating to an aggressive ex out of conflict avoidance only empowers them and ruins your long-term boundaries.
• Getting It Right the First Time: Why reopening and modifying a bad divorce decree later is exponentially harder and more expensive than slowing down now.

Tune in to learn how to navigate emotional burnout, protect your long-term stability, and secure true, lasting peace for you and your kids.

⭐ Follow Jill Coil: https://www.instagram.com/jillcoil/
📕 Get the Book — No One Dies from Divorce: https://www.amazon.com/No-One-Dies-Divorce-Marriage-ebook/dp/B091Y8HP67
⚖️ CoilLaw — Family Law Firm: https://coillaw.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to another episode of No One Dies from Divorce. I'm really excited about this topic that we're going to talk about today because it's called Peace at What Price. Because one of the biggest mistakes people make during divorce is becoming so emotionally exhausted that they just want it over. And while peace is important, agreeing to something just to stop the conflict can create financial, emotional, and legal problems that last for years. I used to say in my career that I do more of fixing bad decrees than I do of actually original divorce decrees. And so we want to kind of go through that to help you not do that. We want to talk today about the emotional exhaustion that happens during divorce while people rush settlements to save conflict, the difference between healthy compromise and uninformed surrender, and why understands your rights matters before agreeing to anything. And I'm really excited because I'm here with my partner in crime, Chelsea Hoffman. Welcome to the show. So Chelsea is an attorney at Coyle Law, but she grew up in the coast of South Carolina after being born in Santa Barbara, California, and spent much of her childhood traveling the world with her family. Before becoming an attorney, she worked for 10 years in hospitality events and sales before deciding to pursue a more meaningful and impactful career in law. Chelsea earned her law degree from the University of South Carolina and joined COIL Law in 2025. She gained a lot of law experience alongside her father, who practices in South Carolina. And fun fact, her dad did a lot of stuff with the Murdoch family, which is a big case that I've covered on my YouTube channel a lot. So that's kind of an interesting fact. But she's really passionate about helping clients navigate difficult family law matters with compassion, support, and practical guidance so that they can confidently move forward into the next chapter of their lives. Welcome to the show, Chelsea.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

I think that your experience in hospitality has probably been one of the best careers to help you with this job. Would you agree with that?

SPEAKER_01 2:16

I would completely agree with that. I think it's kind of interesting how much overlap there is between having a hospitality persona and an attorney persona. There's a lot of the same skills, you know, helping people emotionally regulate, helping people, you know, have reasonable reasonable and realistic expectations, helping people learn how to pivot when things don't turn out how they thought it would turn out. It's interesting how much kind of the same skills that I learned in hospitality also helped me in my legal career.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

Right. Both careers, your whole job is to fix problems. And I always say this everything's figure outable. And so a career that is a really good start to being a master, figure out. That's what we do. We fix problems.

SPEAKER_01 3:03

So I learned how to help people figure out things for their weddings, and now I'm helping people figure things out for their divorce.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Serendipitous, right? Full circle. That's funny. So let's just kind of dive into our topic today because I just want peace. How many times do we hear that in our career? So let's talk about that and what you think that that means and and helping our clients understand. That's not always the best, you know, way or direction to go.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

Yes, that's absolutely true. I mean, it's definitely one thing to want peace and to want to end the conflict in your life. But I think there's also a way to end the conflict and a way to get that peace that doesn't mean capitulating throughout the final kind of the final tail ends of this chapter of your marriage. You know, don't let that want for peace kind of start, start sooner than necessary. You know, you might have to go through just a little bit more conflict so that you can really get that piece that you actually want the right way.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Right. Yeah. And I always say like nice guys finished last in middle management because that seems to be our, you know, what happens is that people just they just want it over with. So they're willing to just kind of sign whatever they can to get, you know, done without even sitting down and discussing or talking to an attorney to think, well, what am I giving up by doing that? And unfortunately, like we said, like to get that peace now, you're dealing with it based off of an emotional reaction rather than a logical reaction. And then at the end, you might regret it. And that's when you come to me at six months later, a year later, and you're like, Oh my gosh, this is not working. I need help. And we're looking at you, I don't know if we can even help you. And so it becomes really, really hard because peace is important, but peace without protection can become regret. And and so that's what we kind of want to talk to you through. Like, we get it, emotional fatigue is real, right? How have you seen in your cases, Chelsea, like emotional fatigue just kind of override um any kind of long logical census with your clients?

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Yeah, I have definitely seen this happen before with people who, you know, you're saying they just want to be done, they just want everything to be over with. And so they really kind of stop thinking about what's going to be best for them. And it's more about how can I make this process end as soon as possible. And when people start thinking that way, they end up giving up a lot more than they should, both just on a personal level, but also legally. They're giving up things that they have a right to. And people will, you know, be so focused on being done, being done with that person. Really, if that's your only goal and you're not taking the time, you know, to your point, Joe, to make sure that things are done correctly, that you have the necessary protections in any kind of final settlement or decree that you get, you're going to end up having so many more problems in the long run. So, really, this kind of end run to peace is taking you on a road where that peace isn't going to be everlasting. There's going to be conflict that comes up because there wasn't the time taken during those negotiations getting those terms exactly right. And so now there's going to be things in the long run that are going to create conflict. And so you're kind of getting that quick relief piece done with divorce early on, but you're not setting yourself up for a next chapter of peace.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

Yeah. And a lot of people think that like by keeping the peace, that means I can't even talk to an attorney. I can't even believe how many people say that. I'm like, keeping your peace means you don't even know your rights. I mean, the number one thing that I would encourage you is that to know your rights. Knowledge is power. And talking to an attorney, you don't have to hire them necessarily, but find an attorney that's going to sit there with you for an hour so you understand your rights, your legal rights when it comes to divorce in the state and the city that you live. Most people don't even know or understand their legal rights when it comes to divorce. They don't understand. You go to the internet and you say, tell me about divorce, it's you're going to get like from A to Z. And it's not going to be specific to what your state is or what your county is. And so it's really all over the board. And it's not going to be a direct representation of what you are. But if you hire an at or go and get a consultation with an attorney directly in your city, they're going to be able to kind of give you insight on what would happen if you did go to court. You know, what are what do you have to lose? Like, what are your rights? Maybe it is better for you to just kind of settle so that you don't have to go through this fight. They're they're going to at least make it so that you can make educated decisions. One of the things is and we say this all the time, like a lot of people think that creating your peace brings fairness. Because I just want to be fair. I don't want to fight. And first of all, there is no fairness in divorce. It's not fair. And it's not just. We say that all the time. Like if you're looking for those two things in your divorce, you're not going to find that. So you really want to work on knowing your rights so that if you're going to just you know negotiate this uh life-altering contract that you enter with your spouse, you at least have some basis to know. Well, if I went to court, I could have gotten that. But I'm going to give it up for the emotional peace that I'm seeking now. At least then you can say, Well, I knew better. But I get a lot of people that are like, I never met with an attorney. They're like, This is the first time I've met with an attorney. And I'm like, Why?

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Yes. Oh my gosh. Yes. And I've even had, you know, some clients who they retain with us, but then in the interest of seeming fair or seeming reasonable, they're doing these kind of closed door behind the scenes negotiations with their spouse because they don't want something to come from their attorney to make them seem unreasonable or, you know, trying to get one over on their spouse. And when people do that, it's it really can cause just so many problems because you might think that you're just doing it in a way where you don't have to involve the attorneys. Your spouse isn't going to get mad at you. You know, these are fair provisions you're presenting to them. But really what happens is you just get end up caught kind of back in the same wheel of creating more conflict, not knowing what your rights are, agreeing to things that you probably shouldn't, and also giving up things that just don't make sense for you. And so, I mean, yes, 100% what Jill's saying. I mean, go see an attorney and go see them before you start talking about divorce settlement terms or negotiations. And when you have an attorney, still talk to them about negotiations or settlement terms. You know, even if you're even if you think that you're gonna be fair and reasonable 100% all the way throughout, your spouse might not be. So attorneys are here for you. The laws are here for you. Use those resources.

SPEAKER_00 10:29

And just because you hire an attorney doesn't mean it's gonna make it more acrimonious. I mean, we settled 95% of our cases out of trial. Why is that? Because we are preparing and we know the laws and we are do what we can to protect you and your future and your family. But it doesn't mean that after doing this, we can't go to mediation and we and then we have some leverage to actually get a settlement. It's interesting because I see a lot of times like you kind of talked about, Chelsea, where we'll get people that will hire us and then say, I want to send a settlement proposal immediately. And the proposal is not good. It's actually or it's too good, it's offering some really, really good offers. The problem with that is once you send that settlement, if they reject it, try backing out of it, try going backwards from it. So if you're offering more just because you want them to get to settle, I mean, there is an art to negotiation. There's a whole book about it. Go read it. And us attorneys are very, very good at it. So you want to be careful about that. And obviously, we can guide you through that. I think a lot of people think that divorce attorneys just want to take money. I laugh because I'm like, if I wanted to make lots and lots of money as an attorney, I would not be a divorce attorney. Okay. Our job is hard. We're dealing with people in the most emotional and critical part of their life. But I promise you, if you hire a good attorney, because I'm not gonna say all there are a few attorneys that unfortunately give us a bad name that are there just to bill and they don't care about you and they just want to make money. That's not us. We're here to really guide you, protect you, your future, and your family. And you cannot make good decisions if you do not understand your options. So please go talk to an attorney. I have a whole chapter of what not to do in a divorce and what to do if you're thinking of a divorce in my book. Go get a copy of No One Dies from Divorce. But but that's what I want. The next subject I want to talk about, Chelsea, is the difference between compromise and surrender. Because people need to understand that. So go ahead and talk about that a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Yeah, a hundred percent. I mean, there's a huge difference between compromising and surrendering, exactly what you're bringing up. So, a compromise, you know, there's gonna be a give and take. There's gonna be some wiggle room that you have to have on your expectations and this perfect reality you've created. You're gonna have to kind of move away from that to get you in a place where you can resolve your case and you don't have to go to trial. But there's also a difference between compromising and giving up everything for the sake of being done and for the sake of not having to go to that trial or for the sake of not having to go to more hearings. But it gets to a point where you start giving away so much that you're agreeing to something that would be worse than your worst day in court. You don't want to get to a point where you are giving away so much in your divorce negotiations that you are giving yourself your worst day in court. You want to think about what are my rights? What has my attorney told me I could get if we did have to go to court? Am I going to be agreeing to things that are going to put me in a worse position that I would be in if I just went through this whole process as painful as it is? You have to really think about what are your goals, your main goals in your divorce? You know, maybe you're not a person who cares about, you know, family heirlooms as much. Maybe you care more about specific parent time, or maybe you are someone who cares more about things that you've collected during your marriage and you have a very strong connection with. You know, focus on those goals and think about is there a give and take somewhere where I can give up a little bit here to get something a little bit better on this issue? But again, it goes back to don't give yourself less than what the law says that you have a right to be awarded. So just keep that in mind. Keep asking your attorneys, you know, is this a good, is this a good settlement to agree to? Is this a good provision to propose? You know, is there is there something more reasonable as a counter proposal that I could go back with that gets me a little bit closer to where I want to be, but also realizes that maybe I do have some room to give up on this point. But make sure you walk that line carefully and make sure you're really thinking about yourself and your kids and what you want the future to look like. Don't give up so much that you don't have a recourse after the fact if things don't go the way that you want them to go. There's a really fine line and it's all about balancing that.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

Yeah, I agree. And I always say, like, take your most important issues, take all of your issues and write them down. And then I want you to rate them one through 10 or however many issues you want to say. And you can't have ties. I want you, I want you to really think about what is the most important issue that you need to fight or that you want, and then have your reasonings to why it's your number one, and then we're going to really work on meeting your goals of your first, second, and third most important issue. But then those fourth and fifth are where we're going to negotiate to get you more of your one, two, and three. And then if we have a nine and ten issue, we're not gonna be fighting about those, you know. If it's the Christmas ornaments from 1980, you know, those are just not going to be the ones that we die on. We're not going to spend all this money fighting over this. So, so it's really good for you to kind of look at that because once you really know what matters, then we can put in perspective then what matters, you know, to fight, right? And I love Chelsea that you said that you have to understand, like, don't give away something that you're not going to get in court. Uh, Utah's an equitable divided state, which means that majority of property assets, marital assets, is going to be divided 50-50 99.9% of the time. So, so you giving away, you know, $200,000 more equity in the house without being able to get something in return that actually makes sense is not a good starting point. And it and you would never have to do that in court. So you want to kind of understand that so that you don't make these bad agreements. Because I promise you, there are long-term consequences of bad agreements. And and the first one is when you get divorced, you are equal playing field 50-50. A lot of people will disagree with that, whether it's custody or whether it's assets. People are like, You are not at 50-50, but you are. That's usually what the court starts at, and then it's about negotiating up and down from there, right? If you come to me after a divorce decree is entered, you are not 50-50. I mean, you're starting zero to a hundred, and it's a mountain that we have to climb to try to reopen the divorce decree to change it. In Utah, you have to show substantial change of circumstance that was not foreseeable at the time of the divorce decree. That is a huge burden and sometimes almost insurmountable when you know you just have some hardships or some unknowns or some bad writing in your divorce decree. And so you got to know that. Modifying orders later are so much more expensive than a divorce because now we have to get experts. Now we have to reopen a case. A lot of times the opposing counsels are gonna file motion to dismiss because they don't even think that you have the the basis to be able to do it. You know, there's just so much problems with it. And when you open a modification, you're reopening the entire case. So you betcha they're gonna do a counterpetition to modify, and then we're gonna reopen even more issues. So it becomes really, really hard. So I'm always like, hey, I love amicable resolutions, and there are some divorces that look go be amicable, go be it because they're easy. You don't have assets, you don't have kids, you don't, you know, you don't have anything that you really need to fight over. Great, go do that. But if you have you know marital assets over, you know, a hundred thousand dollars, if you have a home, if you have children, doing that on your own without some help, understanding what a parenting plan is and stuff like that is going to lead to a lot of heartache in the future. And you're gonna come to me and I'm gonna say, Well, I can try to do what I can to fix it, but it's not gonna be easy, it's not gonna be cheap, and it is going to reopen this wound that we thought you were healing, right? So and the fastest resolution is not always the best resolution. One of the things I say TLC to my clients is we are not gonna settle right now because you're not emotionally ready to settle. I will not rush into mediation with a client that is not emotionally ready to mediate because I don't need to mediate with emotions, I need to mediate with a client that understands risk reward. We can have you know an actual conversation using our critical thinking to find the best resolution. And so sometimes that is we just say we're just gonna do some discovery, we're gonna wait a little bit, get you past this, you know, stage of denial or anger. We're gonna get you, you know, past to uh acceptance. So so sometimes that's my best strategy is not is just sitting on it a little bit to get my clients to feel they're emotionally ready and resolved to be able to make good decisions, yeah. Because one of the things, Chelsea, is a lot of we see a lot of fear of conflict and avoidance patterns. So I want to kind of talk about that. What are what what are your thoughts about that?

SPEAKER_01 20:21

Yes, a hundred percent. So much fear of conflict and avoidance, and it can so hurt you in the long run. I mean, kind of what you're talking about, you know, you you have to be prepared to think about the consequences in the moment. You have to be prepared to think about what the long-term ramifications of what you're agreeing to are going to be. You have to be able to do a risk reward analysis, you know, sitting there during negotiations. It's a lot of emotional pressure. And if you aren't prepared to be there in that moment, you are going to capitulate, you are going to surrender, you are going to give stuff away. And I think the biggest thing, too, that people don't think about is a lot of the conflict that comes from a divorce decree is in the little details. It's in the little things that are easy for you to forget during those negotiations. You might think that you have a perfect settlement and hey, I agree, I had to give up a lot to get this settlement, but at least we have something, it's here, fantastic. And then a year down the road, you realize that you didn't put in anything about the holiday schedule for your kids. It's one tiny detail that wasn't in your degree that is going to now cause years of conflict. And having to go back to court to get that set up is going to be costly. It's going to be very time involved, it's going to be a big hurdle, and it's going to put you back in the exact same place of having that emotional exhaust and exhaustion and having to go through that conflict all over again. So when you're just taking the provisions as they're thrown at you. And agreeing to this, that, and the other because you just want to get it over with. You can forget about so many things. And if you don't have a good attorney who has thrown you into mediation too soon and who hasn't given you the time to kind of be at peace with where we are at in the process and who doesn't know how to handle this emotional dysregulation that comes with going through a divorce process, they're not going to be able to help you understand all the gaps that you are missing. And you're going to forget about this random account that you forgot about until the decree was signed because you are a ball in nerves. You know, you're going to forget about, oh, we didn't discuss what happens to the boat that we have that's worth $10,000. There are so many little details. We didn't have in there how my ex-spouse would get me off the mortgage to our house. There are so many little details that if you are just rush rushing through, pushing through the motions, agreeing to whatever provision is there without any forethought or any forward thinking, you're going to end up in a lot of muddy water down the road. So even though the conflict sucks, even though you don't want to deal with it, even though you're scared of upsetting your spouse and ruining the negotiations, ask those questions. Think about those little details. If there is something that doesn't feel quite right, push back. Ask your attorney about it. It's only going to be for a little bit longer. And if you just push through a little bit more of the pain, you're going to get a decree or an order that has all those gaps filled where you and your attorney thought about every provision carefully and it's tailored to exactly what you need it, and you're going to have more peace in the long run.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

Yeah. And you know what's interesting is most of the people that want to try to do an amicable divorce, especially in longer marriage, because there's one high conflict party and one conflict avoidant party in that scenario. And so the conflict avoidant party is like, I don't want to go to court. That scares me. I don't want to fight. And then the high conflict person is threatening them, saying, You don't want to go to court with me. I will fight you. And the no conflict is exhausted. We see this dynamic all the time. In fact, I think probably the most common personality in marriages is a high conflict person and a no conflict or low conflict person. Obviously, if you have two high conflict people, you're going to have a really, really stressful marriage. Unless you guys have amazing communication skills, that's probably the highest chance of failing. If you have a no conflict marriage where both parties are very, very low conflict, those are the ones that a lot of times will fail as well. But at different times, and a lot of times it's a long period of time. But they're the ones that will just give up everything to just be done. So we see a lot of this dynamic where you've got this no conflict and then high conflict person. And we're like, dude, if you're a no-conflict person, why would you not hire an attorney? You don't want to have to fight. Well, great. I love to fight. Let me come fight for you because all that high conflict person is going to do is bully you into settling. I mean, that's probably not going to be fair. We hear a lot about high conflict personality people how narcissists are, you know, and I say, don't diagnose them as narcissists. They're, you know, it's a it's a clinical medical diagnosis, and most of us don't have the qualities to do that, but we can say they're a high conflict personality. And it just because they're a high conflict personality doesn't mean necessarily that you are going to be in this drop-down fight. In fact, a lot of high conflict personality people do not want to go to court because appearances is so important to them. So we can walk you through that. That's what I'm so proud of Coil Law because we understand personalities, we understand how to deal with the high conflict, we understand how to deal with the narcissists, the covert narcissists. We hear all that all the time. But we we know how to do the art of negotiation. And you don't have to. You can go deal with your emotional part of it and let us kind of deal with the uh the you know, the the legal conflict, the legal part of it.

SPEAKER_01 26:30

And I also think when you have that, when you have a long marriage and you have someone who's very high conflict, and then a spouse who's very low or no conflict, those patterns can carry over into the divorce process. So you have one person who's used to always getting their way, and the other person who is always used to capitulating to the other person's demands. And if you keep letting that pattern go throughout your divorce process, you are not going to end up in a good position. And plus, I think that most people who are in a marriage like that would know that as that pattern continually keeps proving itself, all you are giving to that high conflict person is verification that that works, that that pattern will help them get what they want. And they're going to keep using that pattern against you. And it's going to affect you in the long run. So start out strong, you know, you're probably leaving that marriage because you're sick of the high conflict person, you're sick of always fighting.

SPEAKER_00 27:30

Exactly. And that's why we want you to know it's not about fighting, it's not about hiring an attorney and then coming in to fight. We want to reframe what peace actually means. Because peace is not simply ending conflict quickly. Real peace includes financial stability and clear boundaries. If you have a high conflict personality on the other side, Chelsea, you nailed it. The conflict doesn't end just from the divorce. Now, gratefully, that you can get away from that person, and obviously they can stop treating you poorly. But if you have kids together, you're gonna be intertwined forever. So understanding how to deal with a high conflict personality after divorce, we can help you do that. We can create a really good parenting plan that it really has good boundaries to protect you in the future from having to consistently deal with this person. Healthy settlements create long-term clarity so that you don't come hire me a year later because, like you said, I was just thinking like a lot of people don't even put transportation in there. Who's to pick up the kids when we're supposed to, you know, when we're exchanging? All of that is just second nature in our minds as your attorney to make sure we get it in there so that and then parenting plans. I'm an expert parenting plan creator. I can see your issues, I can understand what you're doing, and I can put things in the parenting plan that I can kind of foresee. Now we're not magicians and we're not wizards, we can't see in the future, so we can't do all the what if situations, but we can at least know the major issues that we've seen that have come up and try to protect you from having to deal with it in the future. People deserve both peace and protection. So we want that for you, but we also want you to be protected. Our biggest saying at our firm is we're here to protect you, your future, and your family. Um, and a lot of times when you are trying to just quick to settle to keep the peace, you are not protecting yourself or your children at all. And that is not going to help you in the future. And then being informed, like I said, knowledge is power. Being informed reduces fear and emotional decision making. That's all we want from you. Because we don't want you to make these decisions off of emotion. We want you to use your frontal lobe, we want you to do deduct and have reasonable thinking skills. Uh-uh, but sometimes when you're in this divorce, you can't use those skills, you can't use that part of your brain, you're just stuck in survival mode. And we get that, we see that every single day. So let us then be the ones to use that rational thinking so that you can deal with those emotions. And as much as it is to important to meet with an attorney so you know your legal rights, it's obvious it's equally important for you to have a therapist or a tribe or somebody where you have that ability to air out some of that emotional trauma to help you kind of move past that as well. I think them going into tandem is very, very important. I do want to also say Chat GBT or Claude or whatever these are not your therapist and not your legal attorney. We have found so many problems with them. I mean, first of all, they're always going to validate your feelings, which is great. A lot of therapists do that as well. But they're not actually going to be like, hey, you're kind of living in your victimness right now, and you need to like pass that. They're not going to be like telling you how it is, but an attorney can surely tell you that. And also legally wise, AI is horrible with legal. And the reason why in the United States is because legal changes with every single state. Sometimes within Texas, it changes with your county. There is no way that that much information be can be coming into AI to be able to give you a reasonable legal uh advice. So just know that. It's just it's not a good way for you to be able to feel good. Hey, is this a good settlement? It's it's not a good way to go yet. I'm not and so you want to just be careful about that.

SPEAKER_01 31:44

Even in your own state, the laws are probably constantly changing. So chances are you're gonna ask it a question, a legal question relevant to your state, and either it's gonna be completely wrong or it's gonna give you an answer from 10 years ago.

SPEAKER_00 31:59

Yeah, absolutely. So Chelsea, what would be your biggest advice to talk to tell our clients who are listening to us today?

SPEAKER_01 32:07

I think the biggest thing is to remember your worth. Remember that even if you weren't the working spouse, or maybe you weren't the spouse who took care of the children, you know, there is still value that you put into that marriage. There is still parts of yourself and time of your life that you can't get back that you poured into that relationship, that you poured into your family. And if you are going through a divorce, you are entitled to get what you put into that marriage back to you. You don't have to start from zero after you get a divorce. You just because you built that life with someone else doesn't mean that what you've built ceases to exist once you get divorced. So keep putting your best foot forward, keep remembering why you're choosing to get a divorce. And remember that if you're choosing to get a divorce because you are in a situation where you've capitulated a lot or where you've had to deal with a high conflict person, where you have felt you had to kind of be a shrinking violet or you had to agree to things to keep the peace. The fact that you are deciding to get a divorce means that you are choosing to step out of that pattern. It means that you recognize that isn't healthy and that isn't what you want for your life. So keep that energy through the divorce process. Have exactly what Jill was saying: get your support people, get a therapist, have your friends, have your family, let them be your support, let them be behind you, making sure that you remember why you're doing this and why it's so important to stay vigilant and to go through the conflict. Because if you do, and if you really focus on the process and you focus on what the agreements are, and you listen to your attorney and you use that strategic advice to your advantage, the light at the end of the tunnel is going to be even brighter, and the reward that you get is going to be even bigger. And so just remember your worth, listen to your attorney, have your support system, and you've already made the first step in standing up for yourself and just keep pushing through with that energy.

SPEAKER_00 34:26

Right. And if you're the person listening to this podcast thinking, I didn't want the divorce, I didn't ask for this divorce. We are going to be the first ones to tell you you are gonna be okay. I promise. I got it. You hear those words and you think, How am I gonna survive? I didn't want this. I thought my life was gonna go in a different trajectory, but I promise you this pathway forward can be the platform and the new road that you can use to become the best version of yourself. And by doing that, the first thing is talk to an attorney early. Understand your rights before negotiating, do not make permanent decisions from temporary exhaustion. Focus on long-term outcomes and just take it one step at a time. One step sometimes you can't even take a step. Sometimes it's just a prep. But what are you gonna say?

SPEAKER_01 35:29

And I also think that my advice for you know people who are choosing to leave their marriage can also be great advice for people who are being told that someone has decided to leave their marriage. Still, remember your worth. Just because your spouse no longer wants to be in a marital relationship with you does not mean that you have no worth. It doesn't mean that you have no value, it doesn't mean that you're a failure, it just means that your plans are changing. But still, remember that you have a lot of worth, you put a lot into the marriage, and even if it's not working out how you hoped, even if you're devastated the marriage is ending, we can help you find a path forward. Your attorney can help you find a path forward. So even if you don't want the divorce, just keep remembering your worth and keep remembering that you have people who will make sure that you don't lose sight of that.

SPEAKER_00 36:21

Yeah. Remember, divorce is exhausting and wanting peace is completely understandable. But one of the biggest mistakes people make is agreeing to things that they do not fully understand just to escape the conflict. The best outcomes come from people who slow down, understand their rights, and make decisions that protect their future, not just their immediate emotions. The best outcome is not always the fastest one, it's the one you can live with years later. Live with peace. Peace. This was amazing. Chelsea, thank you so much for joining us today on our podcast. We loved having.

SPEAKER_01 37:01

I was so happy to be here. Thank you. Very, very fun conversation.

SPEAKER_00 37:05

Remember, this is another episode of No One Dies from Divorce. Make sure you follow and subscribe to all of our channels linked below. And tune in for next week.