Summary: Dr. Celeste Holbrook and I are breaking down the topic of sex and redefining it in an equitable, shame-free way. Join us as we discuss the taboo: arousal, masturbation, consent, and more—especially in relation to divorce and parenting.
Dr. Celeste Holbrook is a sexologist and speaker who helps her clients embrace and understand their sexual self. She speaks on a variety of topics from sex drive and sexual shame to painful intercourse and purity culture. Her mission is to provide safe spaces for people to talk about sex. You can find her teaching classes for The Velvet Box or at her website at www.drcelesteholbrook.com. Sign up for a 30 min discovery call with Dr. Celeste on her website.
Sex is the only thing in our lives that we only seem performed. It’s not something that people we trust can model for us. So we compare our own sex lives to what we’ve seen in media. Media makes it look easy and like you have to have a partner.
If we don’t know about our own body, how can we give informed consent to a partner? It is your ethical responsibility to know about yourself.
If you can garner confidence in your sex life, where you’re the most vulnerable, it can give you confidence in all other places of your life, like asking for a raise at work.
Figure out the root cause of the issues in your previous marriage/relationship so you can improve or fix that in future relationships.
The biggest issue Celeste hears about regarding sex in relationships: Mismatched arousals/sex drives—but this is partially just human experience—we’re never going to be exactly matched. Sex is always a negotiation. Need to stop the conditioning from the male perspective and saying females have “low libido.”
Intimacy is a big umbrella; sex falls under that umbrella, but it’s just one piece.
Arousal frameworks: “these are the doorways I need to walk through in order for my arousal shows up.” What are some things that you need and that your spouse needs to prepare for arousal? “Chore play”; if responsibility is the biggest killer of arousal for a person, then if your partner is helping remove some of that dread or mindspace by helping with that task, then arousal is easier to access.
When you’re single is actually a great time to understand and process your sex life and needs. Deconstruct past messaging about sex. Unload your backpack and re-pack it in a more organized, intuitive way.
The very definition of sexual intercourse (heteronormative penis-vaginal penetration) is centered on penis owners.
You can’t show up as a parent and break the generational shame surrounding sex until you unpack and address your personal feelings about sex. You need to provide accurate and honest information for your kids. “The talk” with your kids is not a one-time talk. It should start really early and is a constant discussion that you build on. Model intimacy and also boundaries and consent around bodies.
What do you want emotionally out of sex? Ask yourself, “In my dream sexual scenario, what do I want to feel?” Then you can build behaviors around that to help you feel those feelings.