When you’re in the midst of a high-conflict divorce, it’s hard to see the rainbow at the end. Today’s guest, Josh Hall, shares his experience going through a 5+ year battle with his NPD ex, bringing to light the despair and self-doubt that he felt at the time. He shares advice for how to get through it, and how he went from 40% custody of his daughter to full custody, and how he’s now living his career and life dreams in color.
Show notes:
When you’re going through the divorce, you’re on equal footing. But if you decide to settle with the amount of parent-time you’re offered at the time, just to get the divorce done, and think you’ll come back later when you have more money or whatever, you may be setting yourself up for an impossibility or a really expensive fight in the long run. It’s a really high burden to prove change of circumstance.
Tips for divorcing a high-conflict personality:
- Meet with several attorneys (initial consultation fees means you won’t just get a sales pitch) until you find the right one for you. Find one who is experienced in and understands how to fight against spouses with personality disorders, who believes in you and listens to you, and who doesn’t litigate for litigation’s sake.
- Don’t let your spouse/ex get in your head. They will try to make you feel crazy or that you are the sole one to blame.
- Record and document everything. Take notes after exchanges with your ex. Check to see if it’s legal to audio or video record your conversations in your state. In Utah, you can record anything as long as you are there too (can’t hide a recorder to record someone when you aren’t there). Your ex won’t fight fair and may try to make up or misconstrue what was said or how it was said unless you can prove otherwise. It’s a he-said-she-said, so you have to make sure your character and tone are consistent and trustworthy in court. Be careful of false allegations.
- Always be the bigger person. There will be so many times when your ex says something triggering or false, and you have to let it go. You are who you are. Don’t respond to petty things or argue about them. Don’t let them get under your skin. Email is the best way to communicate so that you have emotional distance. Set boundaries with your spouse and let them know when you’ll be getting back to them so you don’t feel the need to constantly respond to them. This is how you take power away from them because they are trying to get reactions out of you.
- Be confident in yourself so that you know who you are and that your ex can’t define you. You don’t need their labels, praise, or validation. Accept that they don’t like you. You are worthy. You are enough.
- If you’re seeking physical custody, be actively involved in everything with your child. Keep records and evidence of doing so. There’s nothing wrong with gender roles if that’s how you’ve chosen to divide tasks in your marriage, but know that when you get divorced, that changes. You can’t just be the breadwinner or just be the caretaker. You have to both do both now and can’t expect to just do what you’ve always done as far as family roles.
- Don’t post things on social media about your ex. It will come back to bite you in court.
- Go get therapy for yourself. Couples therapy usually doesn’t work with high-conflict personalities, but do what you need to do for your own mental health.
- Live your life in color. At the time of black and white tv, people didn’t know what colors things were or that the future held color tv. Know that things will get better and decide to live your best life. There is a rainbow at the end of the black and white tunnel of high-conflict marriage and divorce.