Dr. Abby Medcalf, psychologist, author, podcaster, and speaker, teaches us how to build relationship resilience. By depositing daily microconnections with our spouse in the bank, we will never overdraft when we need to make withdrawals. Because, after all, relationships aren’t built in a day; they are built daily.
Show Notes:
Dr. Abby Medcalf is a New Yorker, relationship maven, psychologist, author, podcast host (“Relationships Made Easy”), and TedX speaker who helps people think differently so they can create connection, ease, and joy in their relationships, especially the one with yourself. Unique background in business and consulting, she brings a fresh, effective, perspective to life’s struggles using humor and her direct, no-nonsense style. With over 30 years of experience, Abby is a recognized authority and sought after speaker at organizations such as Google, Apple, AT&T, Kaiser, PG&E, American Airlines, and Chevron. She has been a featured expert on CBS and ABC News, and a contributor on Huffpost, Women’s Health, and Bustle.
Most couples are good at making the big decisions together (where to send kids to school, job changes, etc.). It’s the daily microconnections that is where the meat of the sandwich is. You need someone on a daily basis who is vulnerable, connected, there WITH YOU. Like getting physically fit, you have to do more than the 1x/week personal training session. Date nights are not enough. Couples therapy is not enough.
Can’t let the cracks in your relationship become the grand canyon. Break it down. When your spouse gets home, stop what you’re doing and greet them and be excited to see them. Kisses that last longer than 6 seconds. Pay attention in small moments. Microconnections are money in the bank. So the times you need to make a withdrawal, you have the money there. Have to build relationship resilience so you don’t overdraw.
When you’re waiting, being conditional, or only putting in half the effort, you have unrealistic expectations for your partner or what you deserve. You don’t want to get taken advantage of. That’s your fear talking. Don’t put in 150% (that’s codependency). Just need to put in your full love. Full love takes nothing from you. Look at the relationship with a lens of love and respect. Even if you don’t feel your spouse is contributing anything, you have to think that they are doing the best they can with the tools they have. Don’t need to worry about being taken advantage of; this is the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with. If this relationship isn’t meant to be, you’ll know over time.
Divorce isn’t a failed marriage. Love and honor your ex as part of your individual journey and life. You got amazing kids and life experiences through that “failed marriage,” so that’s not a failure.
The number one reason relationships fail is competition, not lack of communication. Competition causes the poor communication. You have to be on the same team. Can’t have the mentality that if your spouse gets more, you get less, because then you don’t want your spouse to win. Any relationship is a shared resource. If your partner is winning, that’s more for your battery in your relationship. If your partner is drained, that’s draining the battery of your relationship. The team wants to win. You add external resources like hiring a house cleaner; it doesn’t have to be “who’s the more burned out of the two of us.” You can also subtract things off both your plates. E.g.: Do we really need Sophie to learn a language and take an instrument and be in 2 sports? She needs 2 parents who are happy and calm and loving more. Slow down and stop rushing your kids.