No One Dies from Divorce

Jessica Frew: Finding Out My Husband Was Gay: Inviting Love Instead of Contention in Divorce

October 11, 2021 Jill Coil Season 1 Episode 17
No One Dies from Divorce
Jessica Frew: Finding Out My Husband Was Gay: Inviting Love Instead of Contention in Divorce
Show Notes

Summary:

My guest, Jessica Frew, hosts the “Husband in Law” podcast with her husband and her ex-husband. Today she’s sharing with me how she maintained a healthy and communicative relationship with her ex—even through when her ex came out as gay and had an affair, the divorce, a re-marriage, step-parenting, co-parenting, and being in business together.

Show notes:

Jessica Frew is a wife, ex-wife, mom, stepmom, and BOLD action taker. She has a successful podcast called “Husband in Law” that she records with her husband, Matt, and her ex-husband, Steve. Together they are sharing their stories of love, marriage, coming out, divorce, remarriage, and co-parenting to help others know they are not alone. 

Her first husband, Steve, was married to Jessica for a year before he came to terms with the fact that he was gay. He wasn’t ready to embrace that or leave the marriage at that point, so they stayed married for another 6 years until he had an affair and they tried to work through it but it was a mess so they ended up divorcing. They had a 2-year-old daughter at the time of divorce. They didn’t want to have the typical resentment and issues that they had seen often in divorced couples so they took the time to figure out what they wanted their relationship and coparenting structure to look like for them. They hang out more than most ex couples and have a fairly unconventional co-parenting system. They spend all holidays together, work together, etc. Jessica married her second husband, Matt, 8 years ago and Steve actually now works for Matt. She has step kids through her second marriage. 

Lessons learned:

When your partner shares something so vulnerable with you, take time to understand what it means to you. When your partner is already carrying personal shame with them, you don’t need to add to that in a negative way; they are likely already hard on themselves internally. Help them remember everything that’s good about them. Don’t judge them or create more shame; be there to love and support them. 

  1. You can handle a lot more than you think you can and you can do hard things. Just because your reality changes doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy. 
  2. Give yourself grace, give your spouse grace. If you do react poorly or accusatory or say hurtful things to them, come back and apologize and own your part.
  3. Nothing about going through a divorce is easy. But if you take the time to create an amicable and communicative relationship with your to-be ex and get over your ego, it can be a lot less hard. Learn now how to effectively communicate. Use your words nicely. Take the time to consider your response and how you communicate with your ex. 
  4. Take the time to sit down and identify your own fears, deal breakers, priorities. Figure out what you need to do that is in your control. Heal yourself. Allow your ex to heal themselves.
  5. Create boundaries. Boundaries are important in every relationship, including within yourself. 
  6. Put your kids before your ego. Make the first priority and common ground with your ex be that you want what’s best for your children. Most the time, your ex or the new step parent isn’t trying to take your place.
  7. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Let go of what you think life should look like. See how you can invite love in instead of contention.